My relationship to my children is a pool of self reflection showing me who I am in any given moment. It mirrors my presence or lack thereof, my mood, my creativity, my ability to be silly and most importantly my capacity for compassion. I recognize the hold they have on me and keeping my heart open is a day to day challenge. The vulnerability can crack me open at times. Each new stage of their lives makes me feel afraid and totally out of control. My heart aches with uncertainty and self-doubt.
This is the healing I have asked for. In their struggles, in their joys, and in the everyday moments, I am forced to face the events of my childhood, my pain, and my demons. My love for them is a tether to the present moment and asks me to show up for them and myself.
We can walk through life unconsciously recapitulating our past and in many ways we are the victim who suffers the most. When we have children, they become the victims of our unconsciousness and for those of us who were abused or neglected, this can be twice as dangerous.
I look in my children's eyes, I see how safe they feel and how much they love me. I can honestly say this time history won't repeat itself.